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Laying in the hospital bed, 3 days out of a hysterectomy surgery, I did what I always did first thing in the morning; I logged into the ‘I Am Sober’ app, and made my pledge. It was a little hit of dopamine. A moment to feel proud of myself. I fucking loved watching the days rack up, and the app gives you daily motivational quotes. I am a words girl. I get an immense amount of enjoyment from a good ole inspirational quote. During my sobriety from alcohol, I often used the quotes as journal prompts, or recite them as mantras.
“Strength does not come from a physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” -Mahatma Gandhi
That quote got my ass out of bed each morning, and all throughout the day, to take laps around the hospital wing. Walking was all that I could do, it was incredibly important that I do it, and it was hard to convince myself to sometimes. My stomach was cut open and I lost an organ, physically I was in rough shape. But mentally….I’d been practicing my mental stamina. I had an indomitable will that even surprised the nurses- each morning I was up and walking around before the surgical team was doing rounds (I was in a teaching hospital and it 100% felt like I was a character in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy). There was no one else on the floor up and moving around like I was.
On this 4th day in the hospital, May 14 2021, a quote that had popped up many times, but never really held a significant meaning to me, was in my motivational section.
“In the midst of winter,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible summer.”
-Albert Camus
I decided to look up the origin of the quote, and found the entire poem; titled “Invincible Summer” by Albert Camus. For copyright purposes, I won’t put the whole poem here, but I’ll tell you the part that hit me hardest. That resonated with me so deeply, and spiritually. I highly suggest reading the whole poem, it’ll hit ya right in the feels :)
“In the midst of winter,
I found there was, within me,
an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy.
For it says that no matter how hard the world
pushes against me, within me,
there is something stronger-
something better, pushing right back.”
At this point, I’d spent 1.5 years working on what was within me. Because, historically, what resided inside was pure chaos. And although I’d survived everything I’d ever been through, the strength that I now felt was different. I was different. I was unstoppable. I finally realized that outside events, like fucking cancer, were out of my control and that using my strength to control them left me exhausted. I was climbing a mountain that I would never, ever, reach the top of. But, I learned that I get to choose how I respond to life’s chaos. So, within me, I built a calm, a resiliency, (an invincible summer) that was stronger than anything the world could throw at me. And, I did it while having cancer (in the midst of winter).
If I hadn’t removed alcohol from my life, the entire cancer experience would have wrecked me. I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through, honestly. Alcohol has a way of amplifying things to an unmanageable level. Cancer could have been the worst thing that ever happened to me, instead it was the best. I was able to take on the perspective that the experience could help me, and searched for confirmation that was easily found. This was not toxic positivity, I allowed my wide range of emotions to have their space. But truly trying to search for the bright side allowed me to see it in places that I might not have. I do not look back on the experience negatively, at all. There’s nothing quite like spending a few weeks wondering if you’re going to die to dramatically alter your perception of reality.
Within me. My healing journey changed what was within me, and from there I’ve been able to build a life that I am beyond excited to be a part of. And now I know that whenever the next thing happens…because there will be a next thing, could be 10 minutes from now could be 10 years….I am strong enough to get through it AND be okay. I learned how to stop surviving, and taught myself how to flow. Letting go is a special kind of strength, requires a courage from deep within, but trusting the timing of my life has allowed me to move through it with more ease than ever before.
Within me.
I’d always battled with what was within me.
and I do not anymore.
peace + love,
K