CHAOS IS MY COMFORT ZONE - 5.21.2019

This piece was created in 2019, hands down the most chaotic year of my life and that chaos was all inside my head. Deep in the throws of an addiction to alcohol, my depression and anxiety pushed me over the edge. And then I just kept falling. But, chaos was all I’d ever known, so even at rock bottom there was a weird comfort to be found.

Whether it be the chaos in my head, or in my environment, it was inescapable. And it became my comfort zone, because it was all I ever knew. Peace, stillness, quiet, rest, calm, all felt very uncomfortable to me. I was addicted to my own cortisol, stress hormones pumping through my body at what felt like every minute of every hour of every day.

“The long term activation of the stress response system and too much exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all the bodies processes. This puts you at a higher risk of many health problems, including anxiety and depression.”

Chronic stress put my health at risk.

We are all hardwired to be afraid of the unknown. It is our brain’s job to keep us safe. But, your comfort zone can be the very thing killing you.

There was nothing comfortable about my comfort zone, except that it was the devil I knew. I’d lived in chaos for so long that it became my normal. My homeostasis. My base level. A dysregulated nervous system, before I knew what that was, was how I existed in my body.

Our brains will try to keep us in what is familiar, even if that familiar thing is what’s harming you.

Being overwhelmed, and overstressed, resulted in my imbalance and dysfunction, my chaos was killing me. Anxiety and depression, I started to believe that that was just my reality. That it was always going to be like that- even if it could get better, it’d still be there to a degree. I accepted that those were the cards that I was dealt.

My healing journey showed me just how wrong I was about that. The way that I changed my internal dialogue continues to surprise me. The way that I handle outside events now, inside my mind, is completely different.

Creating a new comfort zone took years. First, I had to learn how to rest. Resting was not natural for me, but my entire being needed it. Rest is now a priority in my life.

To anyone out there who is stuck in their own chaos- I deeply understand that it is comfortable even though it is not comfortable at all, because it is predicable. It doesn’t make sense, but, it makes sense. I want you to know that real comfort, peace within yourself, is possible and worth fighting for.

You are already fighting. You’re already doing hard things, living in chaos is not easy. So that unknown, that unfamiliar, that peaceful place that seems really hard to get to….

impossible even…

I need you to believe that you can get yourself there.

Chaos is my comfort zone:

“I grew up in a high stress environment.

Chaos was familiar.

The only predictable thing was

the unpredictability.

I mistook peace for boring.

My days are finally peaceful-

filled with rest and adventure,

they’re calm yet exhilarating.

I came home to myself,

quieted the chaos in and around me

and found a soulful stillness for the first time.

A past version of me

would call this way of living boring,

but she was addicted to

Chaos.

Chaos was my comfort zone

And it almost killed me.”

-KAS

This piece’s chaos has elements of comfort and tension. Bold strokes and tiny textures to make the viewer feel the grittiness from living in chaos. The bright, smooth, playful streaks convince you that it’s not all bad here, in chaos. It’s not awful. They invite the viewer to stay, to feel comfortable. Not every part of chaos is menacing…

and that is exactly what traps you there.