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Laying in the hospital bed 3 days out of a hysterectomy that removed the cancer from my cervix, I did what I always did first thing in the morning; I logged into the ‘I Am Sober’ app, and made my pledge. It was a little hit of dopamine. A moment to feel proud of myself. I fucking loved watching the days rack up.

One of my favorite features is the daily motivational quotes. I am a words girl. I get an immense amount of enjoyment from a good ole inspirational quote. During my sobriety from alcohol, I often used the quotes as journal prompts, or recite them as mantras.

“Strength does not come from a physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

That quote got my ass out of bed each morning, and all throughout the day, to take laps around the hospital wing. Walking was all that I could do, it was incredibly important that I do it, and it was hard to convince myself to sometimes. My stomach was cut open and I lost an organ. Physically, I was in rough shape. But mentally, I’d been training. As soon as I found out that a hysterectomy should be curative, which is to say as soon as I found out that the cancer wasn’t going to kill me, my mental game was the only thing I focused on. In this wildly uncontrollably situation, there were two things in my control; my body and my mind.

I never thought about the surgery. I didn’t spend a single second worrying about it because that part was up to the doctors. Either they were going to do their job well or they weren’t. No amount of thinking about it was going to change the outcome. I’d already adopted this mindset when I was having scan after scan, waiting for results. The results were gunna be what they were, no amount of my worry could ever change it. So I let it go.  Instead I focused on what I put in my body, exercising, just preparing myself physically for a major surgery.

And my mind. I knew that was the more important part. My mental stamina was going to be what either helped me or hurt me. No one was going to be able to force me out of bed when I was in pain. Only I could do that. I was going to have to tell myself to do shit that I didn’t want to do AND listen. I literally practiced what I was going to say to myself. I practiced visualizations for the whole month leading up to my surgery. I imagined myself walking around, I imagined myself healing. I pre-lived my recovery, so that when that time arrived, I was sure I’d be able to convince myself to do anything. Like getting out of bed and walking around when it was the fucking last thing I wanted to do.

That Gandhi quote was on repeat. It was my hospital mantra. But that wasn't the quote that changed me. That came on day 4.

I had an indomitable will that even surprised the nurses- each morning I was up and walking around before the surgical team was doing rounds (I was in a teaching hospital and it 100% felt like I was a character in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy). There was no one else on the floor up and moving around like I was. Of course I was an overachiever even days after a major surgery.

So on this day, my 4th day in the hospital, May 14 2021, a quote that had popped up many times in the app during my first year of sobriety was in the motivational section. I’d read it dozens of times, but, it never really held a significant meaning to me…nothing about it was remarkable to me until this day…

“In the midst of winter,

I found there was, within me,

an invincible summer.”

I decided to look up the origin of the quote, and found the entire poem; titled “Invincible Summer” by Albert Camus.

“My dear,
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

That resonated with me so deeply, and spiritually. This part made me cry-

“within me,

there is something stronger-

something better, pushing right back.”

It took getting fucking cancer to finally realize that outside events were out of my control and that using my strength to control them left me exhausted. I was climbing a mountain that I would never, ever, reach the top of.  But, I learned that I get to choose how I respond to life’s chaos. So, within me, I built a calm, a resiliency, (an invincible summer) that was stronger than anything the world could throw at me. And, I did it while having cancer (in the midst of winter).

I understood that Albert Camus quote now.

At this point, I’d spent just over a year working on what was within me. Because, historically, what resided inside was pure chaos. And although I’d survived everything I’d ever been through, the strength that I now felt was different. I was different.

Sober me was unstoppable.

If I hadn’t already removed alcohol from my life, cancer might have killed me.  I might have just let it. It could have been the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it wasn't. I chose to be grateful for the experience. I was able to take on the perspective that it could help me, and searched for confirmation that was easily found. This was not toxic positivity, I allowed my wide range of emotions to have their space. Trust me, I fucking fell apart many times. But truly trying to search for the bright side allowed me to see it in places that I might not have. There’s nothing quite like spending a few weeks wondering if you’re going to die to dramatically alter your perception of reality.

I’d spent the majority of my life wanting to not be here anymore, struggling to stay alive, but that one year of sobriety showed me how different life could be. How different I could be. So when death came knocking on my door, for the first time in my life, I prayed to be able to stay. I’d finally just started living, I wasn’t ready for my time to be over. I still had so much to do. So many promises to myself to fulfill.

Thankfully, luckily, I got a second chance.

That’s what you’re witnessing right now —

me keeping the promises i made to myself laying in that hospital bed, alive, okay. Grateful that I wanted to stay, and got to.

"In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm."

My healing journey these past 5.5 years changed what was within me, and from there I’ve been able to build a life that I am beyond proud of. Being a human is really fucking hard, and, I’m absolutely enjoying the experience. Ive created the life that girl dreamed about, and we’re living it together, healed and healing.

And…now I know that whenever the next thing happens (because there will be a next thing, could be 10 minutes from now could be 10 years but it is coming)  I am strong enough to get through it AND be okay. I stopped surviving, and learned how to flow.

I’d always battled with what was within me, and, now, I live in an invincible summer.

peace + love, k